Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
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#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
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going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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