Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
