And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
