I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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