I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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