He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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