The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
