I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
