it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
