I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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