I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Couch. On fire.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
