Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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