Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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