Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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