On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
