you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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