He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
