if you like me you must not know who I am
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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