He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
