Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
