Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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