My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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