I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
