Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
