Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
