gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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