How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
