Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize