I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Randomize
