We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
