a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
...so i touched it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
