a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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