I smell stomach acid.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
