you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
