Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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