There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
