Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
