gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
