he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
