god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
