Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
