Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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