Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
