I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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