You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
