If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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