Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
