last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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