the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
