I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
