No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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