just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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