I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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