it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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