Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
