Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You need Xanax blowdarts
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
