My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
