your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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