The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
