He uses pillows to masturbate.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
