I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize