Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The Olympian is in my bed
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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