She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
